Health

A WOMAN’S plan to get fit with Joe Wicks has been abandoned after a mere three days and must never be spoken of again. 

DO YOU have COVID-19? Take the official government multiple-choice test and find out.

MAINTAINING a distance of two metres from other people applies to everyone except joggers, joggers have agreed.

FEELING cooped up but still can’t be bothered to work out? Here’s how to exercise in a half-arsed way from your own home.

THE UK is now referring to the coronavirus as the 'f**king-corona-f**king-virus', or will also accept 'COVID-bastard-19'.

BUGGER. This is terribly bad news for both me and the country, but mainly me. Here’s how I intend to send the coronavirus packing.

STRUGGLING with older relatives who refuse to stay at home? Here’s how to make sure they’ll never leave the front door again.

BRITAIN’S gammons have called for a referendum to tell the coronavirus to get lost like we did with the EU.

LOOKING to get an iconic photo of yourself posing in front of an empty city? Stop and do not do that, you ignorant prick. Resist the temptation to do these things too. 

I’M PROFESSOR Chris Whitty, the Chief Medical Office of the UK, and we are discovering that more and more Britons are terminally selfish bastards.