Health

A MAN is watching out for objects 400 times smaller than can be seen with the naked eye so as not to catch coronavirus.

WITH a clear, common sense exit plan in place, things will gradually get back to normal. Right?

SEVEN weeks into staying in all day with nothing to do but eat, we’re all already fat. But how much fatter will you get?

A MAN who feels like a right knobhead for being the only person in Asda wearing a mask has argued they should be made compulsory.

A COMPLETE twat is preparing to celebrate the easing of lockdown with a gathering of likeminded knobheads at his house.

IDIOTS planning to meet up for a bank holiday piss-up are convinced it is fine because COVID-19 will be having the weekend off.

ARE you baffled by the government’s approach to easing lockdown? Here prime minister Boris Johnson explains what you should do next week.

IT IS in no way time for lockdown to end, but new car sales hit their lowest point since the war last month so the Tories believe the time has come to risk lives.

YES, I broke lockdown. But if you had any idea just how much triple-A pussy you can get mathematically modelling the spread of disease, you’d understand.

SO far, the end-of-year montage for 2020 is going to be you sat at home watching other people sat in their homes. But could these miracles turn the year around?