International

The Daily Mash presents a cut-out-and-keep guide to Francis, the first Jesuit  Pope who also happens to be Argentinean.

THE large number of dead pigs found in a Shanghai river is the result of a mermaid hen party, it has emerged.

THE penguins of the Falkland Islands last night continued to play the 'long game'.

GUARDIAN readers were today in mourning for a man who would have banned the Guardian if it was in Venezuela.

A 24-YEAR-OLD swimwear model called Cassius has emerged as favourite for the Papacy.

THE MARRIED couple sent to Mars will have a falling-out when they miss the planetary turn-off, it has been claimed.

ITALY faces a stalemate over forming what it reckons is a 'government'.

CATHOLICS trashed the centre of Rome yesterday as the Pope performed his farewell gig to 50,000 screaming fans.

RAVE culture 'breaking' America may be the worst occurrence in human history, it has been claimed.