Lifestyle

A PARTY has acknowledged that if you want to keep up social distancing, MDMA is not the right drug.

A MAN who has been on the loo for the past 40 minutes while his family is downstairs has quietly admitted that this is the best part of his day.

HAVE travel chaos and quarantine ruined your plans for a posh foreign holiday you can show off about? Here are some horribly bourgeois British alternatives. 

MEN who take their guitars to parks and play them are the worst people in existence, it has been confirmed.

PEOPLE who relish stifling temperatures of 30-plus degrees have smaller brains than those who do not, experts believe. 

THE middle classes have confirmed that anyone returning to work or school without at least 10 days quarantine should be looked down on.

NEED to protect yourself from this coronavirus year on every possible level? Try these items of non-medical PPE.

A FEMINIST is not sure that she’s feminist enough to keep her lockdown body hair throughout August.

WITH abroad too expensive and constant rain, conditions are perfect to recreate the wretchedly miserable UK holidays of your childhood.

Worried you’ll have too many glasses of Shiraz and attempt to sit on your partner’s attractive colleague’s knee? Here’s how to keep your distance to a strict one metre.