Society

BRITAIN will only admit migrants who can name all of the actors who played Doctor Who in the correct order, the government has announced.

HELLO. I’m home secretary Priti Patel, and soon I’ll start deporting even the white ones. So are you economically inactive and useless? 

THE parents of two adult siblings have explained that they have to fund the younger one’s unconventional lifestyle because he is more creative.

ARE you the sort of sh*thead who unquestioningly trots out anything someone in a pub tells you? Shared any of these?

A WOMAN who was given a seat on a London bus is absolutely fuming at the judgmental bastard who did it.

A DRIVER with an eye for a bargain made a 30-mile detour to fill his tank at a petrol station with fractionally cheaper prices.

ARE you convinced your life in a fairly average part of Britain is a waking nightmare? Here’s how to get the most out of your imaginary victimhood.

A BIRMINGHAM man has amused his family and friends by telling them he will use HS2 to get a well-paid job in London.

THE search for the end of a roll of Sellotape has entered its 25th hour.

A MAN has taken 30 minutes to shut off his deafening car alarm.