Society

CHRISTMAS is a time to remember the less well-off, and remember it’s their own fault. Here’s how compassionate Conservative voters can help them.

A NEW era of majority Conservative rule has begun, but how will you occupy yourself in the evenings now? Try these:

SQUADS of arse-kickers are to be deployed to ensure the under-25s bother to vote.

A WOMAN who just ate a whole box of children's cereal is currently considering buying a house.

A MAD man has confirmed he plans on staying out past midnight at some point this week.

EVEN Jesus Christ judges people who buy chocolate-free advent calendars, it has been confirmed.

A CHILD of liberal parents has been coached to write a Santa letter focusing on environmental and social justice issues over presents.

WE'VE seen you many times. A*sing about vaguely on the pavement near a cashpoint machine, all of a sudden wondering why people are glowering at you.

A MAN born in December has been labelled a “selfish a*sehole” by friends, who are forced to celebrate his birthday at the busiest time of year.

ACCORDING to Stanley Johnson, most Britons lack the literacy to spell ‘Pinocchio’. Do you mangle the English language and earn the prime minister’s dad’s contempt?