Society

A CHILD has begun the urgent creation and colouring-in of a picture just moments before he needs to leave the house.

IF you’re going home for Christmas by train, it will be rammed with inconsiderate b*stards. Here’s how to get through the ordeal.

A WOMAN has only gone and posted everyone lovely, thoughtful Christmas cards like a f**king ars*hole.

CHRISTMAS is a time to remember the less well-off, and remember it’s their own fault. Here’s how compassionate Conservative voters can help them.

A NEW era of majority Conservative rule has begun, but how will you occupy yourself in the evenings now? Try these:

SQUADS of arse-kickers are to be deployed to ensure the under-25s bother to vote.

A WOMAN who just ate a whole box of children's cereal is currently considering buying a house.

A MAD man has confirmed he plans on staying out past midnight at some point this week.

EVEN Jesus Christ judges people who buy chocolate-free advent calendars, it has been confirmed.

A CHILD of liberal parents has been coached to write a Santa letter focusing on environmental and social justice issues over presents.