Society

BRITONS must currently overcome 43 separate instincts in order to leave their beds, it has emerged.

A NEIGHBOUR has confirmed that it is 'totally fine' and he is in no way annoyed about collecting your Amazon deliveries.

A WOMAN has a mysterious mental condition that causes her to forget directions immediately after being given them.

FOR some reason, boarding a train means you instantly become a magnet for twats. Here are some of the worst offenders.

A MAN who gets furious about the idea of paying slightly more tax has been told he can perform his own heart operations and tarmac some roads.

A MAN who has abstained from masturbation for 72 hours is acting as if he is the saviour of all mankind.

I write to complain that my daughter Ellie’s recent science project, which I put a lot of effort into, has received no recognition whatsoever.

A TAXI driver is no longer even keeping up the pretence that he is concentrating on driving two tons of car and is busy doing other things.

A MOTHER-OF-TWO who had a rare moment of peace and quiet has been staggered by how inane her thoughts are.

A BABY'S habit of crying and defecating constantly are part of his 'quirky personality', it has been confirmed.