Society

FIRST-YEAR students have been told to settle in, take things easily and to have the best week of their whole lives or there is something wrong with them.

A POSTER for a ‘much-loved’ missing cat has omitted its nine-year reign of terror over the rest of the street.

A 31-YEAR-OLD man is about to try and fail to use his friend’s puzzling shower system, it has been confirmed.

CRUCIAL information about a train’s running status has been delivered over a speaker that nobody can hear or understand.

A MAN has grown a twirly handlebar moustache to rule himself out of the gene pool.

A WOMAN with no understanding of mental disorders has taken to describing anyone different to her as being ‘on the spectrum’.

A WOMAN has confirmed a friend running late really was only the 10 minutes away that she claimed.

THE Operation Yellowhammer no-deal contingency plan will affect Britons differently according to their referendum vote. Here’s how.

A WOMAN has confirmed she only gave birth so that she would no longer have to attend social functions.

A CHILD’S birthday party has been organised specifically to f**k up the whole weekend.