Society

POLICE have warned the public to stay indoors until the post-Grand Theft Auto V murder spree has subsided.

CLOWNS have spoken out to confirm their malice and wickedness.

MILLIONS of Britons will soon exist in a daily cycle of work, pub, drunk tank.

POLICE are trying to trace the recipient of a card signed by an estimated 5,000,000 workers across the UK.

BRITAIN'S womanisers have begun targeting Grand Theft Auto V widows.

MOST Britons are good-natured morons rather than unpleasant bigots, research has revealed.

BRITAIN'S student houses are medieval-style barter economies where skills such as tea making, washing up and joint rolling are exchanged.

CONSUMERS have demanded that shops immediately start selling Christmas stuff.

THE Bad Pet Awards have once again named dogs as the single worst thing anyone could possibly have.

BEFORE his death, Brian Sollitt, the inventor of the After Eight, forgave people who put the empty envelopes back in the box.