Society

THE government claimed a major victory for data security last night after a memory stick containing highly-sensitive details made it as far as the pub.

SOME of the biggest names in Britain will gather in central London today for the unveiling of the new national mood.

PUBLIC outrage at the treatment of Andrew Sachs boiled over last night as Britain reached a new peak of furious incoherence.

BRITAIN is reining in its spending by wasting money on cheaper crap. 

NEWSPAPER editors broke dangerous new ground last night by adding the word 'gate' to the word 'yacht'.

SWINDON was in chaos yesterday as local police chased an American sports car driver through the town centre at high speed.

BRITAIN is every bit as violent and terrifying as you thought it was, the government confirmed last night.

SCHOOLCHILDREN across England are to get compulsory lessons on why women are insane.

THE gap between poor people and chickens is at its narrowest since 1945, according to a major international report.

BUSES which carry adverts doubting the existence of God are risking their eternal souls, Christian campaigners said last night.