Society

EDUCATION spending cuts will be managed by sending the dimmest quarter of pupils home to spend more time with their chew toys.

MILLIONS of grandmothers across England are expected to pass away some time tomorrow morning, it has been confirmed.

AS the summer festival season gets under way, organisers have warned against using ecstasy, cocaine and skunk that does not carry the logo of an official sponsor.

WEST Midlands Police have withdrawn a CCTV scheme after admitting they can no longer just sit there, staring at Birmingham.

BLIND people across Britain were bumping into things today after thousands of guide dogs deserted their posts.

THE prime minister has praised Britain's homosexual subcultures as 'the best in the world'.

NOBODY could have reasonably predicted that somebody would want to have sex with Karen Matthews, according to a new report.

THE World Cup has seen a sharp rise in the number of people bringing their vuvuzelas to work with them.

A CUT in public sector pensions will lead to lots of decrepit leftists singing U2 songs in tube stations to make ends meet, it was warned last night.

THE 17 year-old winner of The Junior Apprentice has been urged to grab a two litre bottle of cider and a copy of Porky's, the 1980s high school romp, before he turns into an irretrievable tosspot.