Society

YOUNG people who carry knives are to be sent on a series of educational outings, taking in hospitals, Madame Tussauds and a spoon factory.

LIVERPOOL yesterday marked the anniversary of the last full day the Beatles spent in the city before buying huge houses in Surrey. 

A TEENAGE girl who claimed she found a bat in her 34FF bra is actually having an affair with the flying mammal, friends revealed last night. 

A THREE year-old boy last night revealed how a gang of extreme right wing toddlers ruined his birthday party with violence and racial taunts.

PRIMARY school children as young as five are to study the works of Shakespeare as part of a government initiative to teach them hundreds of 17th century slang words for penis. 

FEMALE clerics have vowed to fill England's great churches with stupid little knick-knacks and bowls of pot pourri as soon as they become bishops.

CHURCHES should be given the right to remove noisy little shits the very second they open their mouths, campaigners said last night.

BRITAIN'S long-awaited bloody revolution will begin at noon today, after MPs voted to keep their £24,000 second home allowance.

THE Rubik's Cube is making a comeback this year as thousands of British children adapt it into a handy killing machine. 

BRITAIN is an awful place full of violence and corruption, and those responsible should be ashamed of themselves, the wife of former prime minister Tony Blair said yesterday.