Office Workers Told To Stop Shitting On Each Other’s Keyboards

WORKERS in offices have been ordered to stop defecating on each other’s computer keyboards. 

Masochists Welcome Kinky Porn Crackdown

THE editor of Masochism Today has welcomed a government crackdown on kinky porn and demanded that a cheese grater be dragged across his testicles for breaching the new regulations.

Teenage Lives Complete As Grand Theft Auto Fills Gap Between Bouts Of Frenzied Masturbation

TEENAGE boys across Britain are celebrating after discovering a successful method of marking time between energetic masturbation sessions.

'Get Your Bumcheeks Out Of My Face'

MINI-SKIRTS have risen to record levels making it virtually impossible for men to travel on escalators without being exposed to women's buttocks, a new study reveals. 

Baldy bastards told to stop being so bald about everything

BALDY bastards were last night told to shut up and stop being so bald about everything.

Birmingham Is Ghastly, Says Travel Writer Who’s Been There

THE city of Birmingham and its inhabitants are so ugly they make your eyes boil, a travel writer who has actually been there said last night.

Britain's Poor People Now Beyond The Pale

BRITAIN'S poor people have plumbed new depths of sheer, unbridled ghastliness, according to a new report.

Exotic Japanese Girlfriend Wants Vauxhall Zafira

AROUND 63% of exotic Japanese girlfriends wear old socks in bed and insist their boyfriends buy a Vauxhall Zafira or Ford Focus C-Max, new research shows. 

Richard Branson Dies Laughing

TRIBUTES are being paid to Sir Richard Branson this morning after the Virgin Atlantic boss died of laughter.

Ministers Defend Treatment Of Worthless Foreign Scroungers

THE government has rejected claims that Britain mistreats the thousands of whining, dishonest foreigners who wash up on our shores every year like so much rubbish.