Society

HOME secretary Jacqui Smith has pledged to crack down on council spies to prevent them from catching her doing something appalling.

YOUR identity, your achievements and everything that is you is now worth less than a bag of funsize Mars Bars, according to a new report.

POLICE officers on crowd control duty have been ordered to give priority beatings to anyone holding a video camera.

ALL advertising must be filled with blatant, insulting lies from start to finish, the industry watchdog has ruled.

TEACHERS should be entitled to a 10% pay rise when the children they teach become 10% less moronic and unbearable, according to a new survey.

JESUS was a fiscal conservative who favoured low-yield bonds and secure tax-free investment vehicles, the Archbishop of Canterbury has claimed.

ONE of Britain's most senior police officers has resigned after accidentally revealing a secret plan to beat the hell out of you.

LAH-DI-DAH ponces who talk all proper are about to find out what life is like in the real world now their fancy school has shut down, it was claimed last night.

EDUCATION secretary Ed Balls has called on primary schools to allocate places to baby chickens in a bid to improve results.

BUCKINGHAM Palace has ended months of speculation after announcing that the Queen is gay with a fondness for tall, powerful black women.