Society

BROWN people who want to become British citizens will have to complete an army assault course and prove they can juggle, the home secretary announced last night.

A RURAL vicar who littered an order of service with gratuitous swearing and foul-mouthed insults has said he would do it again.

BRITAIN'S housewives would earn the equivalent of £30,000 a year if someone paid them to eat Jaffa Cakes all day, according to new research.

THE amount of money you would need to spend on gifts to get sex on Valentine's Day after you stayed out last Saturday night without explanation is so huge there is no point in you even bothering, your angry girlfriend said last night.

CAMPAIGNERS are calling for a ban on a hi-tech, ultra-sonic device which causes teenagers' heads to explode.

RECORD numbers of women are having lunch on petrol station forecourts after filling up their cars with fuel, new research reveals.

PUBS and offices across Britain are bracing themselves for thousands of tortuous conversations about the return of blue Smarties.

THE Church of England was under temporary management last night after the Archbishop of Canterbury lost his mind during an interview with the BBC.

POLICE officers are good at hitting people in the mouth with truncheons but should leave catching criminals to the kids from Scooby Doo, a top policeman said last night. 

IMMIGRANTS should avoid acting like British people and behave like Scandinavians instead, according to new government advice packs for foreigners.