Society

IF the government wants to spend £1m getting one family to leave Britain then it should start with the people who have lived here the longest, it was claimed last night.

TRAIN operators are calling for hundreds of miles of disused line to be reopened, insisting no-one should be be allowed to evade the abject misery of local rail travel.

THE policemen accused of torturing drug suspects are loose cannons who may not play by the book but they get results godammit, it was claimed last night.

TEENAGE yobs have developed a deadly 'flick-toddler' in a bid to avoid prosecution, police warned last night.

FREAK-wrangler Simon Cowell has urged people across Britain not to worry about Susan Boyle, insisting everything was going according to plan.

A GLOBAL nuclear war followed by a new dark age of terror and despair could further depress the UK housing market, according to the Halifax.

THE punctuality of Britain's rail system is directly related to the number of people out of work and not getting the train anymore, it has been confirmed.

HUNDREDS of pupils were subjected to a series of depraved attacks on their basic common sense over a 40 year period, the Irish government has confirmed.

VICTORIOUS Gurkhas last night said they wouldn't live in Britain if you paid them, insisting they really just wanted to prove a point.

A MULTI-MILLION pound campaign is being launched today in a bid to boost the flagging virility of Britain's 12 year-old boys.