Society

Susan Boyle Going According To Plan, Says Cowell

FREAK-wrangler Simon Cowell has urged people across Britain not to worry about Susan Boyle, insisting everything was going according to plan.

Nuclear Holocaust Could Knock 30% Off House Prices

A GLOBAL nuclear war followed by a new dark age of terror and despair could further depress the UK housing market, according to the Halifax.

Empty Trains Much More Efficient, Says Network Rail

THE punctuality of Britain's rail system is directly related to the number of people out of work and not getting the train anymore, it has been confirmed.

Logic Abuse Rife In Catholic Schools

HUNDREDS of pupils were subjected to a series of depraved attacks on their basic common sense over a 40 year period, the Irish government has confirmed.

Not If You Paid Us, Say Gurkhas

VICTORIOUS Gurkhas last night said they wouldn't live in Britain if you paid them, insisting they really just wanted to prove a point.

Are Britain's 12 Year-Olds Firing Blanks?

A MULTI-MILLION pound campaign is being launched today in a bid to boost the flagging virility of Britain's 12 year-old boys.

Grow A Pair, Men Advised

AS a study showed that 40% men are suffering from recession-based mental illness, a leading psychiatrist has advised them to stop whining like a bunch of three year-old girls.

Large breasted women get it all their own way again

WOMEN with huge bazongas were last night getting it all their own way, yet again.  

Government's 'Banned List' Makes Everything All Better

THE government's decision to ban some foreign people with unpleasant views has made everyone incredibly nice, it was confirmed today.

Government To Monitor One Trillion Cock Pill Emails

THE government has outlined plans to monitor all of Britain's email traffic, covering everything from penis enlargement to Lindsey Lohan straddling a Labrador.