Society

BRITAIN has hit a 50-year high in the production of television-watching food consumption units.

A MAJOR study has confirmed the existence of salivating, murderous clowns lurking under the bed of every child, Britain's parents said last night.

BRITAIN has become like The Wire, scarred by drugs and violence and nowhere near as good as The Guardian said it was, a senior Tory has claimed.

GOVERNMENT plans to ban so called 'herbal highs' will make the drugs as rare as a largely forgotten narcotic known as heroin, experts claimed last night.

A GROUP of retirement-age women from a Cotswold village have produced a charity calendar featuring a Chicago three-way, two golden shake-downs and a carefully choreographed 'Dutch steamboat'.

THE closure of The London Paper has pushed the capital's commuters one step closer to reading books or perhaps even talking to each other, it was claimed last night.

MINISTRY of Defence files detailing decades of UFO sightings have confirmed that Britain's imbeciles are as good as anyone's, including America's.

FORMER users of the super-speed that can make you chew your legs off have spoken out to say that, on balance, it is probably best avoided.

BRITAIN'S Romany gypsies have been given a £5 million grant to do whatever they want as long as it infuriates the shit out of Daily Mail readers.

ARTHUR Raffles, the gentleman thief, last night launched a withering attack on the two men who raided a London jewellers, describing them as 'cads, ruffians and brutish ne'er-do-wells'.