Society

FREAK-wrangler Simon Cowell has urged people across Britain not to worry about Susan Boyle, insisting everything was going according to plan.

A GLOBAL nuclear war followed by a new dark age of terror and despair could further depress the UK housing market, according to the Halifax.

THE punctuality of Britain's rail system is directly related to the number of people out of work and not getting the train anymore, it has been confirmed.

HUNDREDS of pupils were subjected to a series of depraved attacks on their basic common sense over a 40 year period, the Irish government has confirmed.

VICTORIOUS Gurkhas last night said they wouldn't live in Britain if you paid them, insisting they really just wanted to prove a point.

A MULTI-MILLION pound campaign is being launched today in a bid to boost the flagging virility of Britain's 12 year-old boys.

AS a study showed that 40% men are suffering from recession-based mental illness, a leading psychiatrist has advised them to stop whining like a bunch of three year-old girls.

WOMEN with huge bazongas were last night getting it all their own way, yet again.  

THE government's decision to ban some foreign people with unpleasant views has made everyone incredibly nice, it was confirmed today.

THE government has outlined plans to monitor all of Britain's email traffic, covering everything from penis enlargement to Lindsey Lohan straddling a Labrador.