Society

BORIS Johnson is to ban Scotsmen from the London Underground in a bid to make the Tube more bearable for everyone else.

FAT men are being urged not to bare their breasts in public this summer, as it emerged they were not attractive to women after all. 

THESE puppies are absolutely adorable, it was confirmed last night.

EVERYONE'S hair is now shiny, manageable and full of body, the United Nations has confirmed.

WORKERS in offices have been ordered to stop defecating on each other’s computer keyboards. 

THE editor of Masochism Today has welcomed a government crackdown on kinky porn and demanded that a cheese grater be dragged across his testicles for breaching the new regulations.

TEENAGE boys across Britain are celebrating after discovering a successful method of marking time between energetic masturbation sessions.

MINI-SKIRTS have risen to record levels making it virtually impossible for men to travel on escalators without being exposed to women's buttocks, a new study reveals. 

BALDY bastards were last night told to shut up and stop being so bald about everything.

THE city of Birmingham and its inhabitants are so ugly they make your eyes boil, a travel writer who has actually been there said last night.