Sharp Rise In Numbers Talking Absolute Shit

THE number of people talking absolute shit has risen for the tenth year in a row and is now at its highest since records began. 

'Oh My God! What The Fuck Is That!' Says Brown

PRIME minister Gordon Brown yesterday unveiled the government's annual list of Utterly Terrifying Things.

Sainthood For Woman Who Put Chocolate On Hobnobs

THE Pope is being urged to confer sainthood on the Scottish biscuit maker who first had the idea of putting chocolate on a HobNob.

Religious Belief Makes You Smile Like A Psycho Killer, Say Experts

PEOPLE with strong religious beliefs are more likely to smile at you like some kind of unhinged, homicidal maniac, according to a new study.

Monocle Grease And Penny Farthing Oil Removed From Inflation Basket

TYPICAL household goods including monocle grease and penny farthing oil have been removed from the basket of items used to measure inflation.

Britain Gives Up Food For Booze

MILLIONS of people across Britain last night vowed to give up food instead of alcohol, after the government forced them to choose.

School Leavers To Pledge Allegiance To Some Old Cow

SCHOOL leavers will be forced to swear allegiance to some stinking old cow even though they have never even met her or nothing.

Public Toilets To Be Replaced With Actual Cottages

PUBLIC lavatories across Britain are to replaced with three bedroom cottages in a bid to make furtive cock action safer and more comfortable.

Ministers Hail Success Of 24-Hour Violence Laws

BRITAIN'S controversial 24-hour violence laws have been an unqualified success, the government said last night.

Hoover Sex Cleaner Ditched By Polish Vacuum

THE Polish vacuum cleaner whose boyfriend was caught having sex with a Henry Hoover has spoken of her shame and disgust at his gay love antics.