Society

BNP Drops White Men Who Secretly Fantasise About Denzel Washington-Only Policy

THE BNP has voted to open its membership to people who are not repressed homosexuals secretly pining for the hot love of a large, powerful black man.

Living Under A Flyover Is Character-Building, Says Minister

A FEW months sleeping under a flyover and eating discarded banana skins never did anyone any harm, the government said yesterday.

School Bans Ugly Children

A VILLAGE primary school has saved Valentine's Day by giving its ugliest pupils the day off.

Traditional Burglary A Dying Art, Say Thieves

THE heart-warming sight of an old-fashioned burglar smashing a toilet window could soon be swept away by a rising tide of joyless online fraud, according to some of Britain's leading thieves.

Church Plans Supergay Parade Float

THE Archbishop of Canterbury has underlined the Church of England's support for tolerance and diversity with plans for a 'supergay' parade float.

Ali Dizaei: Where He Went Wrong

SHAMED police chief Ali Dizaei's attempt to frame an innocent man was littered with 'schoolboy errors', his former colleagues said last night.

46 Year-Old Man Sells Virginity In Local Freesheet

A QUIET, middle-aged science fiction and traction engine enthusiast has advertised his virginity for £6 or nearest offer.

New fathers reluctant to spend time with constantly screeching bag of shit

NEW fathers are failing to use their legal entitlement to paternity leave because they do not want to spend all day with a noisy shit fountain, according to new research.

Gay Bike Will Help Children Learn To Fight

THE Gaytrack 400, the gayest-looking boys' bike ever, will help children to gain valuable self-defence skills, the manufactuers have claimed.

Children Should Be Educated, Say Experts

BRITISH children should be taught things by trained professionals in some sort of large building, according to a major new report.