Society

POSITIVE discrimination is the only way to help women achieve success in the workplace, some jumped-up cow said yesterday.

FORMER Primark child workers were last night back at work in the backstreet brothels of Calcutta after being rescued from a life of t-shirt embroidery by Western campaigners. 

DOG owners who allow their pets to foul in public areas will be forced to wear a brown star and be banned from marrying non-dog owners.

RETAIL sales rose to record levels last month as consumers spent millions of pounds on money saving devices.

CRIME is awful and criminals are ghastly, the government said last night.

THE brains of gay men and straight women are very similar, particularly their love of cocks, experts said last night.

DRIVERS were last night urged to go apeshit crazy, as everything went tits up.

MORE than half of all British children are demons whose souls have been devoured by Satan, according to a new study.

BRITAIN is now easier to entertain than a two month-old baby or a chimpanzee, it was confirmed last night.

TEENAGERS in the grip of the 'emo' suicide cult have been urged to spend more time in the garden playing swingball.