Politics

CURIOUS to know what happened at the make-or-break Brexit trade talks last night? Here is an almost certainly true account.

THE fate of the whole UK depends on Boris Johnson taking a woman to dinner, listening to what she says and taking it seriously.

ORDERED to cry on telly by Downing Street PR, even though you’ve spent nine months feeling so sorry for yourself you no longer have tears left?

BORIS Johnson has threatened the EU with severing his own penis unless he is given the free trade deal he wants.

A DOG-OWNING couple are up in arms about democracy and freedom of movement after hearing that pet passport rules may change.

UK negotiators have denied trying to scupper Brexit talks by discussing the rights of every single fish in British waters.

IT wasn’t a slip of the tongue. You can take America, France and Germany and stick them up your arse. Britain is the best country in the world and my career is living proof of it.

GOOD morning. As a man whose achievements are no more than broken marriages and a useless cable car, I find myself having to take credit for other people’s. Here’s how: 

THE only benefit Britain will realise from Brexit is that 16 million people can enjoy saying ‘Told you so,’ experts have confirmed.

WITH a month until the transition deadline expires, just how unprepared are you for the oncoming shitstorm that is Brexit? Find out with our quiz.