Politics

JACOB Rees-Mogg has put a journalist in his place by calling him ‘either a knave or a fool’. Here he lists his utterly devastating insults for anyone who incurs his wrath. 

I’VE decided it’s time for the UK to address casual, everyday sexism despite having an appalling record with it myself. Here’s my guide to not upsetting the totty. I mean, women.

HI, Priti here. Don’t reply, that would be far too noisy and you’ll be detained.

YES, I have just spaffed £37 billion on a useless track and trace system and Dido Harding’s grasping, clueless army. But sod you, taxpayers. Be grateful I didn’t spend it on these projects...

THE British monarchy is in crisis after attention was once again drawn to the absolute pointlessness of its very existence.

SADLY – tragically – the political career of Nigel Farage is over. I have given this country everything, and can give no more.

A THIRD of a million pounds has been paid out by government to protect me, home secretary Priti Patel. I’m worth 10 times that. Let me explain why. 

THE BBC has been urged to be more discreet about its ongoing infatuation with chancellor Rishi Sunak.

WANT to spruce up the drab shoebox you sleep and shit in, but low on funds? Let prime ministerial consort Carrie Symonds explains how:

ARE you concerned about how today’s budget will affect you, but also worried that makes you a petty, penny-pinching bellend?