Politics

THE prime minister has made a statement to the nation that he has a lovely new puppy that he enjoys petting.

MICHAEL Gove has confirmed the government will ignore any law passed against a no-deal Brexit and existing laws prohibiting cocaine. 

PROROGATION, the word on every Briton’s lips this week, definitely means the dissolution of Parliament before a Queen’s speech.

ANY political party promising free, clean toilets in city centres would win 88 per cent of the vote, research has found.

I REGRET that I must resign as leader of the Scottish Conservative party, because: f**k this sh*t.

THE destruction of Alderaan with a giant space laser was business as usual and nothing to get worked up about, a Tory MP has claimed.

THE UK has finally concluded that the monarchy is as useful in a crisis as an upside-down urinal, it has emerged.

BRITAIN is now officially a banana republic with sunshine, a sham democracy and a reasonably good football team.

IT seems my opponents have signed a pledge to legislate against no-deal Brexit. Sadly they appear to have forgotten that I’m Boris, and I do whatever I f*cking want. 

JEREMY Corbyn is conspiring with other MPs to thwart a no-deal Brexit. Here apocalyptically furious Brexiter Roy Hobbs describes some punishments the traitors should face.