Politics

DAVID Cameron will attempt to appease Tory rebels by claiming Jimmy Savile touched him up when he was 14.

ED Miliband's demented, disfigured brother is murdering delegates at the Labour Party conference.

MINISTERS hired costly experts to develop their swearing skills, it has emerged.

MINERS, navvies, totters and wheeltappers have hit Manchester in their cloth-capped droves.

FORMER foreign secretary Jack Straw has revealed the precise extent to which he is a self-regarding, cowardly little turd.

THE Labour leader's computer skills are light years ahead of David Cameron's, it has emerged.

Whilst on duty at *** tonight (Wed 19th Sept) on a 1400-2200 hrs between the hours of 1800-2000 I had to deal with a man on a bike claiming to be Wolverine from the X-Men.

NICK Clegg has denied being sidelined by the government after becoming Minister for Paranormal Investigations.

WITH opinion polls placing UKIP as the UK’s third most popular political party, their leader Nigel Farage has hastily made up some policies over dinner.

THE Liberal Democrats are to join forces with the Flat Earth Society after the two groups double-booked a function room in Brighton.