Call Us 'Deplorable', Union Orders Brown

BRITAIN'S biggest trade union today ordered Gordon Brown to describe it as 'deplorable'.

Lib Dems Pledge 20% Increase In Semen-Filled Tube Socks

NICK Clegg has pledged to raise the amount of semen coating the inside of Britain's tube socks by at least a fifth.

Tory Campaign To Focus On Marginal Wives

THE Conservative Party leadership are to shift the focus of their election campaign to securing the support of their own wives.

Labour Eyes Poll Boost From Ripper Release

GORDON Brown is considering granting parole to the Yorkshire Ripper in the hope of another opinion poll boost.

Angry Taxpayers Demand Tutorial From Lord Ashcroft

VOTERS across Britain have expressed outrage at Lord Ashcroft's ability to avoid more tax than them.

Man You've Never Heard Of Is Now Thing You Don't Care About

BRITISH politics was in turmoil last night after a man you have never heard of was elected to do something you couldn't care less about.

MPs Censor Expenses In Bid To Make You Forget

MPs have published a censored version of their expenses in the hope that you will forget you have already seen them.

Thatcher Tries To Close Her Own Ward

BARONESS Thatcher was under sedation last night after trying to close the ward where she is being treated.

Brown Makes Arse Of New Thing

GORDON Brown continued his political fightback last night by somehow finding a brand new thing to make an arse of.

Brown Survives As Labour Rebels Blah, Blah, Blah, Who Gives A Shit?

DEPUTY prime minister Gordon Brown survived a backbench revolt last night after pledging to change his style of leadership and blah, blah, blah, you're not still reading this are you?