Politics

ED Miliband is to have his lungs removed, put in an ape and then returned to him to show how keen on the NHS he is.

THE Green Party has revealed plans to replace soldiers with earnest bearded men who bang on about solar panels.

SUPPORT for far-right politics in Britain is at a 20 year low if you do not include beliefs and ideas, researchers have found.

ED MILIBAND has said he will take part in televised election debates even if he is the only one there.

THE prime minister has refused to take part in TV debates unless all participants wear suits colour-coded to their party.

THE Conservatives have promised to stamp out all confusing regional accents if elected for another term.

BRITAIN is to draw straws after Labour pledged to bother four million people in the privacy of their own homes.

GEOPOLITICAL experts believe that the danger of Russia initiating a third world war within the next few months is scarcely more than one in three.

THE newly elected leader of Scottish Labour has also been named as leader of the Scottish Conservatives.

BRITONS should save time reading news articles by assuming a UKIP politician has recently made some offensive remarks, it has been claimed.