Politics

5. Lumps of putrefying giraffe meat that he feeds to Ian Duncan Smith through the slot in his wooden crate.

DAVID Cameron has admitted he will not serve as prime minister for a full five decades.

PLANS to do insane things like turning Swansea into a sunken lagoon have been waved through by a distracted parliament. 

GEORGE Osborne has hinted that today's Budget will be for business, growth and vile pensioners who want lots of free stuff.

ED Miliband has confirmed that Labour will refuse to govern the country if it wins the general election.

CONSERVATIVE chairman Grant Shapps has admitted he had a second job as a vigilante delivering street justice while an MP.

ED MILIBAND'S wife is banned from the proper kitchen where he cooks flamboyant gourmet meals, it has emerged.

NIGEL Farage wants Britain to have a rolling programme of 365 laws, each in operation for one day a year.

VOTERS have advised the Conservatives that they will need more than ten minutes of free parking to win the election.

THE prime minister has said he will only participate in a TV debate if there are at least two mental participants to make him look good.