Politics

MP AIDAN Burley last night reassured friends that he is still on schedule to be prime minister by 2017.

MEMBERS of the United Nations met last night to discuss the crisis threatening to engulf the Twilight saga.

GORDON Brown was painfully probed by aliens at the behest of Tony Blair, government files have revealed.

POLITICAL commentators are being repeatedly asked to explain exactly what a Tory rebel is and if they look anything like James Dean.

GEORGE Osborne has launched a fresh attack on Ed Balls, saying he is 'pretty sure' the shadow chancellor is a vampire.

THE coalition government has launched a £10m campaign encouraging everyone to hate the Greeks.

THE BBC has asked the Olympic volunteer who heckled David Cameron during a pre-games speech to contact them about potential work.

MINISTERS are pushing ahead with plans for an upper house of Parliament operated by the Jim Henson Workshop.

THE Queen is to shake hands with Sinn Fein's Martin McGuinness at the place in Belfast where Rihanna's We Found Love video was filmed.

THE Conservative party has unveiled new plans to cut housing benefit and income support for anyone with less than £25 million in capital holdings.