Politics

Brexit totally worth it if you really like fish, says Gove

THE Brexit fixation with taking control of our fish supplies is great news for people who cannot get enough fish, Michael Gove has explained.

May jacking it in for job at Aldi

BREXIT is such a massive fuck up that Theresa May is quitting politics for a less stressful life working in Aldi.

Trump bringing bezzie mate Putin to UK

PRESIDENT Trump has invited Vladimir Putin to come with him to Britain when he visits next month because he “knew we wouldn’t mind”.

Universal Credit 'meant to be shit or people might use it'

THE Universal Credit system was always intended to be non-functional or people might use it to get money to live, the government has explained.

You don't need to secretly record me to hear me saying stupid shit, says Boris

BORIS Johnson has assured the public that he says ill-thought-out, inflammatory nonsense quite openly, so there is no need to secretly record him.

David Davis to use SAS skills in Brexit disagreement

DAVID Davis plans to halt publication of the government’s Brexit white paper by using his SAS experience to swing through a window on a rope.

EU imposes tariffs on fat American golf twats

THE EU has imposed a 40 per cent tariff on overweight American golf tossers flying over here to lumber around a green near a castle.

Britain to stay in customs union until moon colony up and running

THE UK will remain in the customs union with the EU for the short period of time it takes to get a fully-functioning moon base established.  

Wetherspoons given its own rail franchise

THE government has given Wetherspoons a rail franchise after the pub chain confirmed it knew nothing about running trains.

MPs vote to keep having the shit kicked out of them by newspapers

PARLIAMENT has voted to continue following orders from Britain’s newspapers or face having their heads metaphorically kicked in.