Politics

THE age at which people can buy the Daily Mail will rise by a year every year under a Labour government until its readership is phased out entirely.

LABOUR is on the brink of forming at least a hung parliament if last night’s unique circumstances happen everywhere in the UK.

A TEENAGE smoker who owns an XL bully is demanding that a general election is held immediately.

AFTER scrapping HS2 and abandoning levelling up, the Conservatives have confirmed that ‘It’s grim up North’ is now official government policy.

THE home secretary has explained that a migrant hurricane is very similar to a classic Sharknado but even more deadly.

AS A working professional renting in zone three of London, I can confirm that not every renter smokes weed or is in a gang. Though obviously I do both.

THE prime minister is planning to turn his term of office around by stage-diving into the heaving mosh pit at the Tory party conference.

YOUNG Conservative? At conference for the first time? Up for a five-day bacchanelia of sex, drugs, and chanting ‘Growth Queen’ at Liz Truss? Don’t do it alone.

THE prime minister is travelling to the so-called city of Manchester ahead of the Tory conference to see what all the fuss is about.

THE home secretary believes we should change refugee to mean ‘anyone who should have stayed in their own country and will be sent back there’.