Politics

Theresa May's guide to hanging on like an idiot

IT’S not just prime ministers who should never give up! Here are my tips for hanging on grimly in everyday life.

Everyone dying to ask left-wing Brexiter what f**king planet he's on

ONLY politeness is stopping people asking a Jeremy Corbyn supporter how the hell a ‘left-wing Brexit’ is supposed to work.

What sort of Remain traitor are you?

FROM the Speaker of the House of Commons to the most lowly office monkey, half the population of the UK is a traitor to Brexit. But what level are you?

The farmer's guide to voting for Brexit then being a dick about it

ARE you a farmer who fervently supported Brexit but now realises you’re up shit creek? Here’s how to be a dick about it.

Government to provide emergency heating but only for awful Tory pensioners

THE government is planning to supply emergency heaters, blankets and duvets to old folk, but only the ones who are diehard Conservatives.

Sajid Javid's guide to making up your own crisis

INVENTING a crisis is exciting and makes you feel important if you’re a twat. Here home secretary Sajid Javid describes some great ones to try.

Brexit advent calendar has something bad behind every door

PEOPLE who bought a Brexit advent calendar have discovered it goes on forever and every door conceals an unpleasant surprise.

Corbyn 'both justified and a dick'

JEREMY Corbyn is both perfectly justified in calling Theresa May a ‘stupid woman’ and a rude dick for doing so, Britain has agreed.

'What if I'm actually a dickhead?' Boris Johnson wonders aloud

FOR the first time Boris Johnson has realised he might not be a great statesman, but just a dickhead.

How to cope with another year of Theresa bloody May

THERESA May is set to stay for at least another year, so how will you survive more of her bullshit? Follow our guide to making it as painless as possible.