Because I'm worth it, by Priti Patel

A THIRD of a million pounds has been paid out by government to protect me, home secretary Priti Patel. I’m worth 10 times that. Let me explain why. 

Get a room, BBC and Rishi Sunak told

THE BBC has been urged to be more discreet about its ongoing infatuation with chancellor Rishi Sunak.

How to redecorate on a budget, by Carrie Symonds

WANT to spruce up the drab shoebox you sleep and shit in, but low on funds? Let prime ministerial consort Carrie Symonds explains how:

Budget 2021: Are you a winner, a loser or just a twat in general?

ARE you concerned about how today’s budget will affect you, but also worried that makes you a petty, penny-pinching bellend?

Why it's fine for me to borrow shitloads of cash but not you, by Rishi Sunak

HI, BOY billionaire Rishi Sunak here, ready to accept praise for borrowing tens of billions with no clear plan to pay it back. But don’t you dare do the same.

Labour's focus group three old men from the snug of a Stoke Wetherspoons

THE Labour Party has been running every policy past three angry Boris Johnson supporters who would normally be in Wetherspoons, it has revealed.

'The time for criticising our handling of the pandemic has passed'

THE prime minister has informed Britain that now the virus is beaten, the country must draw a line under any further scrutiny of his actions.

Schools, families meeting outdoors, cheering crowds celebrating Brexit: the roadmap out of lockdown, step-by-step

THE government is set to announce its roadmap out of lockdown later today. Here’s a step-by-step guide to regaining your freedom.

'Can we please get this f**king culture war going?' ask Tories

THE Conservatives have admitted to being ‘bloody frustrated’ that the UK is still more interested in pandemics and vaccines than their new ‘war on woke’. 

Opportunity, the future, families: Keir Starmer's maddeningly vague political vision

No ifs, no buts. If we are to move ahead together into a brighter tomorrow we must commit to an incredibly vague set of statements no human being could really disagree with.