Agony Aunt

Agony Aunt: Dear Holly, Do you think Michael Gove will have some useful tips on how to fuck-up an education system? yours, Toby Young
"I’ll be extending Freshers Week to a whole month, slashing prices on snakebite in the Students Union and doing everything I can to encourage chlamydia."

Ask Holly: He remains a blatant ginger
This is a big step for me: betrothing myself to a person who, in some lights, resembles a furry baked bean.

Ask Holly: Who is the princess here???
I AM going through hell being preggers and puking my guts all day long, while that Kim Kardashian gets to lounge around drinking Cristal.

Ask Holly: Noel Edmonds told me I could be young forever
NOEL Edmonds came to see me backstage after an S-Club gig and told me I could be young forever.

Ask Holly: There's a load of meat in the fridge that desperately needs someone hairy
WHEN I grow up I am going to get married to myself.

Ask Holly: Dear Brooklyn, Don't worry, there are lots of children in my school with silly names too
In the reception class there are several girls called Daenerys, two boys called Eleven and a boy called Soprano.

Dear Holly, I haven't done my Brexit homework, yours, Amber Rudd
"When I said 'meep', I meant 'let's formally investigate this issue and use our findings as an evidence base on which the British public can make an informed, reasoned decision.'"

Dear Holly, My brother has become a problem for the family - Ivanka, Washington DC
"Donald Jr has a good heart but he is weak, and stupid, and this is life and death."

Dear Holly, I can't be arsed being royal anymore
Dear Holly, I've decided I can't be arsed being royal anymore. I'd much rather live life as a lowly pleb in a tiny house with a rubbish car and a dreadful job. Harry, Windsor

Ask Holly: I cannot continue working with desecrators of wheat fields
WHEN I grow up I'm going to get some plastic surgery and wear loads of make-up.

Ask Holly: I fear the Blue Battleaxe
ALL the adults are too busy posting socialist memes on Facebook.

Ask Holly: There's a lot to be said for skiving off work and not turning up to debates
WHOEVER invented work and school was a complete idiot.
- Ask Holly: How can I cheer myself up after such flabby orange ghastliness?
- Agony Aunt: Dear Boris, Under no circumstances should you call someone a 'fannybadger'
- Ask Holly: World leaders are working their sorry asses off to impress me
- Ask Holly: Some people gave me a can of fizzy pop and now everyone is cross