Agony Aunt

Agony Aunt: Dear Holly, Do you think Michael Gove will have some useful tips on how to fuck-up an education system? yours, Toby Young

"I’ll be extending Freshers Week to a whole month, slashing prices on snakebite in the Students Union and doing everything I can to encourage chlamydia."

Ask Holly: He remains a blatant ginger

This is a big step for me: betrothing myself to a person who, in some lights, resembles a furry baked bean.

Ask Holly: Who is the princess here???

I AM going through hell being preggers and puking my guts all day long, while that Kim Kardashian gets to lounge around drinking Cristal.

Ask Holly: Noel Edmonds told me I could be young forever

NOEL Edmonds came to see me backstage after an S-Club gig and told me I could be young forever.

Ask Holly: There's a load of meat in the fridge that desperately needs someone hairy

WHEN I grow up I am going to get married to myself.

Ask Holly: Dear Brooklyn, Don't worry, there are lots of children in my school with silly names too

In the reception class there are several girls called Daenerys, two boys called Eleven and a boy called Soprano.

Dear Holly, I haven't done my Brexit homework, yours, Amber Rudd

"When I said 'meep', I meant 'let's formally investigate this issue and use our findings as an evidence base on which the British public can make an informed, reasoned decision.'"

Dear Holly, My brother has become a problem for the family - Ivanka, Washington DC

"Donald Jr has a good heart but he is weak, and stupid, and this is life and death."

Dear Holly, I can't be arsed being royal anymore

Dear Holly, I've decided I can't be arsed being royal anymore. I'd much rather live life as a lowly pleb in a tiny house with a rubbish car and a dreadful job. Harry, Windsor

Ask Holly: I cannot continue working with desecrators of wheat fields

WHEN I grow up I'm going to get some plastic surgery and wear loads of make-up.