Agony Aunt

I PREFER to extract myself from the twee middle-class world that CBeebies inhabits.

WHOEVER invented a way for mums to do their gossiping on the internet is on a par with the person who invented the atomic bomb.

"He also comes home in the middle of the night stinking of Frazzles."

TWO men approached me in the street and showed me a fine fabric which they said was so beautiful that stupid people can't see it.

Did you know that children's' TV used to only be on for a couple of hours a day? What the hell did everyone do for the other 22 hours?

"After about nine months there is an intense searing pain in my crotch and, weirdly, I hear a baby crying."

I'm in the shit. I need an excuse, and quick, can you help? Yours, Sir John Chilcot

IT always begins with me slowly entering the Bake Off tent in the middle of the night.

WE learned all about sugar and diet in school and how anything that tastes remotely nice is EVIL.

EVERYONE in the sixties was a heavy minger.