Agony Aunt
All I can hear is heavy breathing and laughter
We often used to prank call our teacher, Mrs Babs, although not so much since she had the breakdown.
Do I use my bare hands or my Cath Kidston crossbow?
I can't advise on conventional personal weaponry, as they've recently banned it at my school.
I might dye my hair brown like proper politicians
If mummy said looks don't matter she was LYING.
I have completely changed my mind about Scottish independence
Do you think anyone will mind if I ditch the whole thing?
I'm being publicly taunted by that young upstart Justin Bieber
You need to throw his school bag in a river.
This Commonwealth thing is on all bloody day
The inhumanity is almost too much to bear.
Life can be tough for a superstar racing driver with wads of cash
You don't know the meaning of the word 'cruel' until you have spent a few hours with pre-pubescent school girls.
I need a refresher course in the Scottish tongue
The only Scottish person I know is that ginger girl from Woolly and Tig on CBeebies.
I am on the hunt for new ways of getting high
Drink three raspberry Slush Puppies then sit back and enjoy the ride.
Can you suggest a guilt-free snack to keep me going at work?
You can't even bribe a rogue dinner lady to give you a plate of chips anymore.