Arts & Entertainment

ALL classical music including Beethoven, Bach, and Mozart is to be reclassified as film music.

EVERYONE in Britain has become left wing because of the baddie in Sherlock.

RAPPER Pitbull has admitted he only ever performs the shittest bits of his records.

VIEWERS of Channel 5's Celebrity Big Brother have been scrubbing themselves all night but still feel dirty.

MILLIONS of people across Britain have set up cameras in their living rooms so they can film themselves watching themselves watching television.

NINTENDO'S forthcoming Mario Kart 8 is to include Martin Amis as an unlockable character.

CINEMA classic Lawrence of Arabia will inevitably get remade with Tom Cruise, Matt Damon or someone like that.

THE Pixies have recruited Sky News presenter Kay Burley as their new bassist.

A PAINTER and decorator has offered to replace the two Damien Hirst artworks stolen from an art gallery.

SHERLOCK Holmes can return from the dead because he is magic, Sherlock creator Steven Moffat has revealed.