Arts & Entertainment

EASTENDERS is back with a bleak lockdown storyline, but there are surely many more pandemic possibilities. What about these?

A MAN who has learned that Strictly Come Dancing will feature two women dancing together is unsure whether to be appalled or turned on.

NEW BBC director general Tim Davie has promised to reflect the views of all audiences, including Brexiters. Leave voter Donna Sheridan runs down her dream line-up.

ITALIAN dictator Benito Mussolini is to perform on the BBC comedy show Live at the Apollo in an effort to redress left-wing bias.

READING Festival regulars heartbroken at its cancellation are to recreate it at home by turning their gardens into pits of mud, urine and fighting bikers.

A MAD Max prequel is in the pipeline, which may ruin everyone’s memories of the earlier films by being shit. Here are some more classics to f**k up.

A MAN who is trying to upset woke liberals by getting Rule Britannia to the top of the charts has failed to realise no one gives a toss about them anymore.

ARE you livid that the Last Night of the Proms won't sing Land of Hope and Glory? Has an instrumental Rule Britannia driven you into a fervour of vengeful patriotism?

GUESTS at a garden party have confirmed they would rather have spent the evening in the presence of coronavirus than the man who turned up with a ukulele.

THESE movie quotes used to be perfect in any situation. Now they’ve been so royally f**ked by coronavirus that they can never be used again.