Business

THE Labour Party has combined the essence of disappointment, inertia and broken promises in a unique sauce that voters can add to their food.

ADMINISTRATORS were last night called in to retail chain Ethel Austin, as thousands insisted it definitely went out of business no later than 1961.

BRITAIN'S biggest banks last night called for Mervyn King to be broken up into lots of little bits.

JJB Sports, the troubled high street vendor of television watching apparel, has finally dropped the 'Sports' from its name.

BRITAIN'S education system must be in a right old state if school leavers are not even qualified to work at Tesco, the boss of Tesco warned last night.

SWINDON is a hotbed of unbridled lesbian sex, the town's borough council claimed last night.

BRITAIN'S leading postman and his long-standing colleague last night exchanged vicious insults in an acrimonious split over proposed strike action.

GREGGS the baker last night assured its customers it would never ever judge them.

STUDENTS can have Windows 7 irritate the shit out of them for a reduced fee of £30, Microsoft has announced.

BLACKPOOL'S  tourism industry can be saved if the rest of the United Kingdom is reduced to charred, smouldering rubble, it was claimed last night.