Celebrity

JEREMY Clarkson will be guest editor of the Guardian for a week, the newspaper has announced.

BORIS Johnson has admitted being 'on the pipe'.

ESTHER Rantzen has been present at every key moment in human history, it has emerged.

DAVID Beckham has attacked an "unimaginative" Cheshire hairdresser in his latest autobiography.

RICHARD Dawkins is in hiding after discovering a Catholic plot to stockpile honey.

FORMER News of the World editors Rebecca Brooks and Andy Coulson would only discuss their intercourse after paying each other five-figure sums, it has been claimed.

DECEASED musician Lou Reed has moved into the area of Heaven where there is heroin and transsexual hookers.

A COMPLETE list of your future master's newly-appointed guardians.

THE heir to the throne thinks Christianity is a load of nonsense, it has emerged.

THE winner of The Great British Bake Off will leave humanity to work in Mr Kipling's underground cake catacombs.