Celebrity

AWARDING a knighthood to Andy Murray would be a bit pathetic, it has been confirmed.

THE announcement of a rival royal baby means that full-scale civil war is now inevitable.

SUPERMODEL Kate Moss has designed a range of nuclear missiles for style-conscious governments.

SAILOR Popeye has admitted that his immense upper body strength is not the result of a spinach-heavy diet.

THE best thing about being monarch is the huge amount of money you get, the Queen has confirmed.

EVERYONE who attended the society wedding of the year is completely fantastic in every way.

A SPATE of restaurant fires in Heaven has been linked to Tony Soprano.