Celebrity

JESUS has returned as a sawfish, spreading his gospel and digging out crustaceans.

GEORGE Clooney has expressed frustration at having frozen pizza every evening because of his wife’s busy work schedule.

PRINCE Harry has revealed that entering the army prevented him joining a notorious South Kensington street gang.

LETTERS from the King of the Badgers to the prime minister refer to Prince Charles as 'daddy'. 

NIGEL Farage has resigned as leader of UKIP and been shipped to the island where all Nigels meet their end.

PRINCESS Charlotte Elizabeth Diana was named after Prince Charles' greatest enemies, it has emerged.

YOU should be like this eerie 40s-style family, it has been confirmed.

FORMER Hear’Say singer Myleene Klass has triggered the End of Days after accidentally spelling out God’s true name.

CROWDS outside St Mary’s Hospital in West London have been hurling abuse at any non-royal newborns.

UNAIRED Top Gear footage will be edited to show Jeremy Clarkson regenerate as writer Sir Salman Rushdie.