Celebrity

FATE has apologised for sleeping on the job and allowing Bono to emerge unscathed from an air accident.

A PHOTO of Kim Kardashian extending her buttocks has destroyed the very essence of what it is to be human.

JESUS Christ’s wife Mary Magdalene forced him to get a boring admin job, it has emerged.

PROFESSOR Brian Cox is an extra-terrestrial, it has emerged.

ATTACHING Russell Brand to a big cross would probably sort everything out, it has been claimed.

THOUSANDS of people who find actual music too confusing are excited to purchase the new single by Cheryl Cole.

MODEL Kelly Brook has left the mortal plane to travel the higher realms looking for love.

WOMEN with no interest in copulation are bereft following the marriage of their dream man George Clooney.

ACTOR Stephen Fry has admitted refusing to share his cocaine with a furious Prince Philip.

HER Majesty the Queen has the sexual energy of a young Michelle Pfeiffer, it has been confirmed.