Environment

BRITAIN is divided over whether or not it is cold enough to turn on the heating, it has been confirmed.

A FAT Golden Retriever claims his excessive size is just puppy fat despite being nine years old and finishing every meal with a trifle.

BRITAIN'S cats have demanded more corners and edges for them to rub their hairy little cat faces against.

A MASSIVE toad has his area of riverbank totally under control.

NATURE experts have reported a rare eyewitness sighting of a Yodel delivery driver.

A CAT being taken for a walk on a lead has condemned its owner as ‘a weirdo’, along with everyone else in the park.

A MAN furious at a summer of constant rain wants to treat it with the blazing anger it deserves, but is too British to do so.

UBER is preparing to launch a gondola service once Britain is completely under water.

A SPIDER has broken an unspoken agreement to remain in the same highly visible spot in the bathroom.

A WEEPING Jeremy Clarkson says he is only glad that he will not live to see the self-driving electric car dystopia that Britain will become.