Health

Visit to drive-thru coronavirus test centre best family day out of 2020

SPENDING an afternoon queuing in an airport car park to be tested for Covid-19 is the best day out of 2020, families have agreed.

Are you allowed to have sex? Take Matt Hancock's quiz

With casual sex off the table, how can you be sure you’re allowed to jump someone’s bones? Find out with this quiz by health secretary Matt Hancock.

Woman on juice diet blends entire Brie

A WOMAN on a health kick has supplemented her juice diet by blending an entire Brie, along with two packets of Wotsits and some ham.

New Covid tracing app gives you Covid, admits Hancock

THE government’s new Covid tracing app, finally launched today, has the unfortunate side-effect of giving you Covid. 

Chief medical officer: 'None of the comforting bullshit you believe is true'

THE chief medical officer has informed Britain that none of the comforting bollocks it is telling itself about coronavirus is remotely accurate.

You irresponsible office-working pubgoing bastards, says government

THE UK may face a second lockdown thanks to irresponsible bastards working in offices and drinking in pubs, the government has warned.

Man leaving contact details on pub clipboard catches Covid from the pen

A MAN has caught coronavirus from the pen a pub provided for customers so they could write down their contact details.

Arsenic and other Victorian treatments for Covid, by Jacob Rees-Mogg

RATHER than endlessly carping about testing, the British public should take a leaf out of my book and use the tried-and-tested methods of Victorian physicians. Here is a selection.

Frodo abandons quest to reach Covid testing centre

HOBBIT Frodo Baggins has given up on an epic journey to be tested for coronavirus shortly after leaving his underground home.

What the f**k is the point of a 10pm curfew? A scientist tries to explain

PUBS in the North East will be subject to a 10pm curfew to curb coronavirus. Here, scientist Dr Joseph Turner attempts to explain what f**king good that will do.

Nits shagging all over your kids' hair

HEADLICE who spent six months gagging for it are holding a rampant orgy all over your children’s hair.

Starmer self-isolating after family member shows symptoms of Corbynism

SIR Keir Starmer has been forced to self-isolate at home after a member of his household displayed symptoms of Corbynism.