Health

Jump the queue at Thorpe Park, and 17 other privileges the double-vaccinated will have within a month

THE double-vaccinated will soon be allowed to attend gigs, go to nightclubs, travel abroad and put their rubbish in your wheelie bin. What else?

Man claiming he got pinged from nightclub, not game of Warhammer

A 31-YEAR-OLD pinged after playing Warhammer in the Warhammer shop has told everyone he actually visited a cool new nightclub.

Lucky minimum-wage food workers allowed to work through Covid

TENS of thousands of minimum-wage food industry employees have been fortunate enough to be told they can work through Covid. 

Millions exercise judgement not to be arsed to wear masks

MILLIONS of Britons have carefully weighed the pros and cons of wearing masks and decided ‘F**k it, if we don’t have to, let’s not’.

Inadequately-sunscreened middle-class child bursts instantly into flames

A MIDDLE-CLASS boy who was not wearing enough sunscreen of a high-enough factor spontaneously combusted yesterday.

Nightclubs shit, everyone over 21 remembers

WITH nightclubs across England reopening their doors to the public, everyone over 21 has remembered how awful they are.

It's Freedom Day Eve, says insufferable prick

A TIRESOME moron is calling the last 24 hours until social restrictions lift 'Freedom Day Eve'.

The top 10 best places to get pinged

PINGING is Britain’s new craze, with the country going wild for getting an alert on the NHS app and having to self-isolate. But where’s the coolest place for it to happen?

Seatbelts and traffic lights to be 'personal responsibility' from next week

THE government will lift all obligations to observe red lights or wear seat belts as of Monday, no matter the consequences.

'I will never wear a mask on the Tube' says man who lives and works in Truro

A CORNISHMAN with no reason to visit London anytime soon has angrily refused to wear a face mask on the capital’s underground, he has stated.