Health

Five lockdown rules you've broken if you're being completely honest

CLAIMING to have got through lockdown without putting a toe out of line? Apart from these rules, which you broke if you’re being honest.

Coffee after 5pm, and five other things you'll massively regret in your 40s

OVER 40? Keen not to feel like a sack of shit? 44-year-old Martin Bishop details six things that will set you back two days if you even attempt them.

Horrified woman forgets to tell social media she's had her Covid jab

A WOMAN who has just joined 25 million Britons in having her Covid vaccine is mortified she forgot to share her special news on social media.

Man returns to gym to flex his smugness

A SMUG bellend is already back in the gym to give his rippling vanity a workout, he has confirmed.

Do you give a shit what f**king vaccine you get? Take our quiz

THE Welsh are getting the Moderna jab while under-30s are advised not to get the AstraZeneca jab. Do you care at this point or would you take anything? Find out with our quiz.

Want to feel old? Here's what you look like now

CURIOUS to see what the relentless passage of time looks like? Pick up a mirror and pay attention...

We’ll all have a great 2021, and the other dumbshit things you believed this time last year

REMEMBER how idiotically optimistic you were a fortnight into this shitstorm, 12 months ago? Remember how unthinkingly you believed these laughable delusions?

Ramming swabs up our noses twice a week wasn't on the f**king roadmap, says Britain

A CONFUSED public is pretty sure sticking a six-inch swab up their nose twice a week was not originally included in Boris Johnson’s roadmap.

16 places you'll be allowed to go with a vaccine passport

BORIS Johnson has denied any decision has been made on vaccine passports, which means they are a nailed-on certainty. But where will they allow you to go? 

That's Covid over forever then, says f**kwit

A F**KWIT believes that the first hesitant steps of easing Covid restrictions today means the virus is gone for good.

Planking and four other exercises you'll give up in a week

WANT to briefly kid yourself that you’re trying to get in shape? Here are five exercises you won’t be arsed with for more than a week.

'Heavy flow' and four other phrases to make your dad leave the room

NEED to get your elderly father out of your immediate vicinity? Try out these phrases and watch him instantly remember something he needed from the kitchen.