Health

Five places to wear your mask to rile up the gammons

EVERYONE’S wearing masks now, but do you want to raise the blood pressure of gammons even more? These five locations should outrage the already red-faced.

Government advice versus actual life-saving advice: how do they compare?

IT’S the daily dilemma we face. Do we listen to the badly thought-out, science-free recommendations of Johnson and Hancock, or listen to the experts? Let’s find out. 

The six stages of becoming an anti-mask dickhead

EVER wondered how someone turns goes from normal to ranting about ‘muzzles’? Here are the stages that take them there.

Has your cat got coronavirus or is it just an arsehole?

IF your cat is behaving in a strange, antisocial way, it may have coronavirus or could just be a selfish little bastard as usual. Take the test...

You don't need a mask if you're only picking up a few bits, shoppers inform staff

SHOPPERS at convenience stores have advised staff that there is no need for them to wear masks if they are buying ten items or less.

Have you got a hangover or COVID-19?

YOU went to the pub last night and woke up feeling terrible, but why? Too many Jägerbombs, or the dreaded virus? Here's how to figure it out.

'Deciding to eat healthily' confirmed as bleakest phase of a relationship

COUPLES who decide to start eating a healthier diet together have reached an all-time low in their relationship.

Why compulsory face mask rules are like Christmas for jobsworths like me

I LOVE rules. Especially confusing ones. So the new rules about face masks are Christmas come early for folk like me who get off on telling you what to do.

Are you stupid enough to be an anti-mask protestor?

IDIOTS are protesting against the outrageous idea of wearing a face mask during a pandemic. Are you enough of a cretin to join their ranks?

'They’ve got a vaccine,' and five other reasons to do whatever you want

WITH a possible vaccine possibly on the horizon, it’s time to ignore all official advice on the pandemic and do whatever you like. Try these excuses:

Woman in bad mood for last six years blaming it on period

A WOMAN who has not found anything positive in any aspect of her life or the world since 2014 has blamed it all on her period.

Why, as a gammon, I am medically unable to wear a facemask

FACEMASKS are compulsory in shops from July 24, but many senior Brexiters are unable to comply on medical grounds. Roy Hobbs explains why: