Health

Man comes to disturbing realisation that he enjoys running

A MAN is afraid of what he might become after going out on a run and enjoying it.

Government to reward catching Covid with fabulous cash prize

ANYONE who catches Covid is to be rewarded for their efforts with £500, cash in hand, no questions asked, to spend on whatever they want. 

How to be a badass while self-isolating, by Matt Hancock

YO. Matt here. You may have noticed I consider myself pretty damn cool. So after my Covid scare, here’s how I’m self-isolating with ATTITUDE. Party on, dudes!

Jabs Army, and the other ways the pandemic has become a World War Two nostalgia wank

IT wouldn’t be a national emergency if Britain didn’t get misty-eyed about World War Two. Here’s how we’re shoehorning memories of clobbering Hitler into 2021.

How to stay warm when you can’t afford to put the heating on: Rishi Sunak explains

AS resident of a five-bedroom townhouse in London and a Georgian mansion in Yorkshire, heating bills are the bane of my life. Here are tips on staying warm when the Aga’s broken.

Travel rule exemption announced for middle-class families driving to National Trusts

MIDDLE class families visiting National Trust parks and woodland for their daily exercise are to be exempt from lockdown rules because it is deemed 'essential travel'.

Estate agents: The unsung frontline heroes of the pandemic

THERE’S been much talk about the heroism of NHS workers during the pandemic. But why is there no clapping for those other brave frontline workers, estate agents?

How to pretend to be over 75 and get vaccinated

ONLY a morally bankrupt, heartless swine would try to jump the queue and get vaccinated early. Here’s how to do it.

The new Covid strains: a stoner reviews how high they get you

HEAVY weed smoker Jordan Gardner has forgotten more about cannabis than you’ll ever know, and he’s moved on to Covid. This is his verdict on the latest strains.

Running or cycling: how are you going to annoy people this year?

PLANNING to get fit in 2021? Take our quiz to find out which type of exercise arsehole you should be.

Is the third wave all your fault? Take our quiz

THE prime minister has heavily hinted that the third wave of Covid infections was caused by the British public, because it cannot be his fault. Are you guilty? Find out:

How to exercise through a cold, dark, horrible winter lockdown

TAKING up running isn’t so attractive when it’s pissing with rain and freezing, but you’ve never been this fat. So how can you emerge from lockdown healthy?