Health

Cutest babies the worst sleepers, scientists confirm

ADORABLE babies wake up screaming far more frequently and loudly than their uglier peers, researchers have found.

Plan to get ripped for summer put off until August

A MAN’S plans to get himself a beach-ready six-pack in time for summer have been postponed until August at the absolute latest.

Six ways to patronise people giving up smoking

ARE you an interfering sod who’s never seriously smoked who nonetheless offers advice to anyone trying to give up? Try these:

Man off sick considering a w*nk

A MAN who is ill in bed and feeling miserable is wondering whether a wank might help.

We're just Calpol-ing the shit out of this, admit parents of young children

THE parents of young children have admitted they are just going to Calpol their way through the next five years.

Made-up medicine works on made-up illnesses

ACUPUNCTURE has been shown to be extremely effective among people who have nothing wrong with them.

Have you got a totally lame addiction?

IT’S currently normal to claim you’ve got an addiction when really it’s just something you like doing. See if you are suffering from any of these bullshit addictions.

Living in a big glass tube 'can add 40 years to your life'

ABANDONING the outside world in favour of a big glass tube can extend your life expectancy by decades, according to a new study.

Darth Vader 'was just vaping'

DARTH Vader’s harsh respiratory sounds were caused by vaping Blueberry Ice, according to a new documentary.  

Dentistry is expensive because mouths are gross, dentists confirm

DENTISTS have confirmed that they charge huge amounts as compensation for having to spend their working lives staring into your disgusting mouths.

Woman refusing to concede that husband has cold

A WOMAN is refusing to accept that her husband has caught a cold in case he expects special treatment.

Google search confirms man has bubonic plague

A MAN with a slight cough has Googled his symptoms and convinced himself he is suffering from bubonic plague.