Health

Man is tier 3 in week but tier 1 on weekends

A MAN has explained that during the week he lives a locked-down tier 3 lifestyle but at the weekends he treats himself to living like a tier 1.

'Can I have sex with my neighbour's cat?': Your Tier 3 questions answered

AS millions of Britons prepare for Tier 3 lockdown, are you still confused about what you’re allowed to do? Here are all your questions answered.

Backs just hurt, thirtysomethings told

BACKS just hurt, people in their 30s have been told.

People who post gym selfies to receive vaccine last

PEOPLE who brag about meeting their 'fitness goals' are to be punished by receiving the Covid-19 vaccine last.

Drink overpriced pints at home: the London Tier 2 rules in full

AS the most important part of the UK moves into Tier 2, Londoners will face uniquely metropolitan restrictions. And because they affect the capital the whole country has to hear about them.

How are you being a dick about the new restrictions already?

IS your natural instinct to treat the three-tier lockdown as a load of bollocks that doesn’t apply to you? Here are some great ways to be a dick. 

Welsh install Scouse-detectors

THE Welsh have installed a network of foolproof Scouse-detectors along their northern border. 

Six more appropriate terms for the current f**k-up than 'circuit breaker'

DO you get the feeling the government is using jargon like ‘circuit breaker’ and ‘moonshot’ to hide its total lack of competence? Here are some more appropriate terms to use in the crisis.

And this will definitely be the last lockdown, yeah? asks thick, gullible British public

THE British public has agreed it can put up with a two-week circuit-breaker lockdown as long as they are promised this is the last one.

F**ked, really f**ked, or nice and safe and Tory: the three-tier lockdown explained

THE government is introducing a  three-tier lockdown system because Dominic Cummings doesn’t believe you can grasp numbers higher than three. This is how it will work.

Northern Covid spreading faster because it's hard as f**king nails

THE Northern version of coronavirus is spreading like wildfire because it is well hard and kicks shit out of your immune system, scientists have confirmed.

Catching Covid fifth worst thing that can happen to you in Northern pub

THE government's plan to close pubs across Northern England has been met with surprise as regulars say their favourite hostelries present far greater dangers than catching coronavirus.