Health

Young people should only get vaccine if they've bought a house, say boomers

WELL-OFF baby boomers have agreed that Covid vaccinations should be restricted to property owners, to incentivise the young.

Test-and-trace overwhelmed by six cases

THE UK’s £22bn test and trace service has admitted there is no way it can possibly track six cases of the Brazilian coronavirus variant.

Which lockdown habit will you find hardest to quit?

WINTER is behind us and the end of lockdown is apparently in sight. But which of your new mole-person habits will you struggle to leave behind?

Queen finally realises she is ruler of a country of twats

THE Queen has finally realised that she is the head of state of a country of selfish, credulous dickheads. 

Man who doesn't want vaccine also doesn't want his dose given to immigrants

A MAN who says he will not be forced into being vaccinated is furious that his spare dose might be given to someone in a migrant centre.

Gyms opening later than pubs as punishment for twats

THE decision to open pubs earlier than gyms is because all the fitness dickheads needed a time out, SAGE has confirmed.

Why cases are actually declining, by a moronic lockdown sceptic

DO you stupidly believe there’s a connection between lockdown measures and falling infection rates? Lockdown sceptic Wayne Hayes explains what’s really sending the virus packing.

How to embarrass yourself horribly while getting vaccinated

WITH the vaccine programme working its way down the age groups, it might not be long before you are making a tit of yourself as you get vaccinated. Here’s how.

The Tory backbencher's batshit plan for ending lockdown right now

TORY MPs have written to the PM demanding a swift end to lockdown. Here weird backbencher Denys Finch Hatton explains how we should be throwing caution to the wind.

Doctor

I drink fewer than 14 units of alcohol a week, and other lies you tell your GP

DOCTORS ask a lot of difficult questions that make you feel like a chubby, ailing waster. Here’s how to lie your way to health.

How NHS reforms will work, by the mates Matt Hancock is selling it off to

RESTRUCTURING the NHS is a vast, intricate project that only Matt Hancock’s mates on WhatsApp are capable of pulling off. Here they reveal their plans.

Bristol Covid variant moonlights as shit DJ, scientists confirm

A MUTATION of Covid-19 from Bristol has a second job playing records badly during the evening and at weekends, it has been confirmed.