Health

16 injured in this weekend's eye tests

SIXTEEN Britons have injured themselves this weekend in complications relating to the new eye-testing system, police have confirmed.

Daily walks are boring as shit, admit Britons

PEOPLE in Britain have admitted that their daily walks are really f**king boring now.

UK running out of ways to f**k this up

BRITAIN is quickly running out of ways to f**k up its handling of the coronavirus, according to experts.

Teeth an endless, expensive ball-ache

MAINTAINING a healthy set of teeth is a painful lifelong struggle that will leave you massively out-of-pocket, it has emerged.

Friends meeting in park fail to recognise each other

TWO friends who arranged a socially-distanced meet up in the park have been having problems recognising each other due to their overweight, unkempt appearances.

Which COVID-19 hotspot are you heading to this weekend?

IT’S a bank holiday and the perfect time to head out to one of Britain’s much-loved COVID-19 hotspots to up your viral load. But where will you go?

Which lapses in judgement are you blaming on the pandemic?

WITH so many confusing rules flying around it’s hard to know what you’re allowed to do anymore, so which obvious lapses in judgement are you pinnng on the pandemic?

Track-and-trace 'a faff', government admits

THE government has admitted it has not put track-and-trace systems in place because they sound too much like hard work. 

Are you a 'fake virus' conspiracy twat?

DO you believe coronavirus is part of some impossibly complicated conspiracy? Take our test and find out if your brains have fallen out.

Six things we'd know about pandemics if our history lessons weren't so obsessed with the Nazis

EPIDEMICS and pandemics are nothing new, though Britain knows nothing about them because the only history it’s interested in is the bit with Hitler. Useful facts:

We always treat outsiders as if they're disease-ridden, confirm country folk

RURAL people have a long tradition of hating outsiders regardless of coronavirus, they have explained.

Five things 'staying alert' obviously won't protect you from

THE government claims ‘staying alert’ will protect us from coronavirus, even though it’s clearly bollocks. Here are some more things the vacuous new slogan won’t protect you from.