Health

Freedom Day moved in hope of permanently eradicating nightclubs

THE government has moved Freedom Day back by four weeks after hearing a further delay could shut down Britain’s nightclubs forever.

The six most terrifyingly false teenage drug myths

IS A teenager you know thinking of doing drugs? Make sure they know all these terrifying, entirely bogus true stories.

Anyone returning home from Portugal is dirty and diseased starting… now

BRITISH holidaymakers in Portugal are filthy virus-spreaders who must quarantine for ten days as of… now, the government has confirmed.

Third Covid wave to provide neat conclusion to trilogy

THE upcoming third wave of Covid is expected to wrap up all the loose ends and bring the trilogy to a fitting close, fans believe.

We’re only doing this to protect people who matter, 30-year-olds getting jabs told

ANYONE 30 and over invited to be vaccinated has been told they are still not getting affordable housing, free higher education or stable jobs.

Now don't go using any of these freedoms we're giving you, says government

THE government has told Britons they are now free to hug, mix indoors and drink inside pubs, and warned them not to.

Man still not entirely sure what's in a Holland & Barrett

Despite being a mainstay on UK high streets, a man is still not sure what a Holland & Barrett actually is.

Nap made everything worse

A WOMAN has awoken to discover her nap was a terrible, terrible mistake.

Man reaches 'grunting at urinal' stage of life

A MAN is horrified to realise he has started making unusual grunting noises whenever he uses a urinal.

Five minging things about the swimming pool you haven't missed

YOU'RE keen to get back to your public pool, but don’t forget your hazmat suit. There's still plenty to make you gag.