Health

BACKS just hurt, people in their 30s have been told.

PEOPLE who brag about meeting their 'fitness goals' are to be punished by receiving the Covid-19 vaccine last.

AS the most important part of the UK moves into Tier 2, Londoners will face uniquely metropolitan restrictions. And because they affect the capital the whole country has to hear about them.

IS your natural instinct to treat the three-tier lockdown as a load of bollocks that doesn’t apply to you? Here are some great ways to be a dick. 

THE Welsh have installed a network of foolproof Scouse-detectors along their northern border. 

DO you get the feeling the government is using jargon like ‘circuit breaker’ and ‘moonshot’ to hide its total lack of competence? Here are some more appropriate terms to use in the crisis.

THE British public has agreed it can put up with a two-week circuit-breaker lockdown as long as they are promised this is the last one.

THE government is introducing a  three-tier lockdown system because Dominic Cummings doesn’t believe you can grasp numbers higher than three. This is how it will work.

THE Northern version of coronavirus is spreading like wildfire because it is well hard and kicks shit out of your immune system, scientists have confirmed.

THE government's plan to close pubs across Northern England has been met with surprise as regulars say their favourite hostelries present far greater dangers than catching coronavirus.