Health

THE government’s new Covid tracing app, finally launched today, has the unfortunate side-effect of giving you Covid. 

THE chief medical officer has informed Britain that none of the comforting bollocks it is telling itself about coronavirus is remotely accurate.

THE UK may face a second lockdown thanks to irresponsible bastards working in offices and drinking in pubs, the government has warned.

A MAN has caught coronavirus from the pen a pub provided for customers so they could write down their contact details.

RATHER than endlessly carping about testing, the British public should take a leaf out of my book and use the tried-and-tested methods of Victorian physicians. Here is a selection.

HOBBIT Frodo Baggins has given up on an epic journey to be tested for coronavirus shortly after leaving his underground home.

PUBS in the North East will be subject to a 10pm curfew to curb coronavirus. Here, scientist Dr Joseph Turner attempts to explain what f**king good that will do.

HEADLICE who spent six months gagging for it are holding a rampant orgy all over your children’s hair.

SIR Keir Starmer has been forced to self-isolate at home after a member of his household displayed symptoms of Corbynism.

A ILL-JUDGED bedtime routine can ruin the whole of the next day. These simple habits will ensure you wake up completely buggered from the outset.