Health

A DOG that has eaten a bar of chocolate has instructed his hysterical owners to sit down and chill the f**k out.

THE government has been criticised for making a total dog’s dinner of its mask policy for schools. Here is the latest official advice on wearing them, or maybe not bothering.

THE health secretary has confirmed there is no way paying people £13 a day for saying they are ill and staying at home could ever go wrong. 

A WOMAN has decided that doing a single sneeze is not bringing her nearly enough attention.

A WOMAN who goes to the shops wearing a mask over her mouth but not her nose has confirmed she is doing it just to annoy the f**k out of everyone.

IS ageing inevitable or can you stave it off by avoiding the pitfalls of older people obsessed with gardening and the past? These tips are all worth a try.

THE public has been reminded they should never leave goths alone in a car on a hot day because it can be fatal.

A DAD would rather die of dehydration than buy bottled water, he has confirmed.

THE ponciest areas of London are to be placed in permanent lockdown, it has been confirmed.

FOLLOWING rumours that Preston could be the latest of the UK’s piss-stain conurbations to be locked down, the residents of Britain’s shitholes fear they could be next.