Health

BOLTONERS are overjoyed that they cannot have a night out in Bolton for the foreseeable future.

RAIL operators are to protect passengers with brain cells by introducing carriages exclusively for twats who refuse to wear face masks.

A WOMAN using homeopathy to treat the coronavirus she has caught is glad she was not vaccinated against it because it might be dangerous.

THE government has told worried parents to think of their children returning to a possibly deadly school environment as an exciting science project.

FOR Britons aged between 25 and 39 the chance of dying from coronavirus is as remote as one day owning property, the government has reassured.

A DOG that has eaten a bar of chocolate has instructed his hysterical owners to sit down and chill the f**k out.

THE government has been criticised for making a total dog’s dinner of its mask policy for schools. Here is the latest official advice on wearing them, or maybe not bothering.

THE health secretary has confirmed there is no way paying people £13 a day for saying they are ill and staying at home could ever go wrong. 

A WOMAN has decided that doing a single sneeze is not bringing her nearly enough attention.

A WOMAN who goes to the shops wearing a mask over her mouth but not her nose has confirmed she is doing it just to annoy the f**k out of everyone.