Health

BEAR with me; I only found out about this mask decision five minutes ago and now I’m in front of the cameras justifying it. F**king Boris.

OUTRAGED at the idea of strapping a life-saving piece of cloth to your face? Here’s how to justify your pointless opposition to face masks.

FEELING starved of human contact more than usual? Looking to score now the pubs are reopening? It’s still not safe to pull so extend your dry spell with these COVID-themed chat-up lines.

THE government has given the all-clear for enclosed spaces in which people grunt, thrash around and spray body fluids to open again this month.

A MAN who leaves the house in brightly coloured plastic clogs refuses to wear protective face masks because he thinks they make him look stupid.

ARE you tired and just having a bad day face-wise, or is this how you look now?

A COUPLE angry they will be fined if they do not send their kids to school are looking forward to a visit to a busy beach.

LEICESTER has demanded that the confusing local lockdown rules should be translated into its impenetrable dialect.

LOOKING to shift that lockdown paunch? The PM explains how you too can achieve his Adonis-like physique.

MILLIONS of holidaymakers who had booked breaks in Leicester will be staying at home as the summer hotspot faces extended lockdown.