Health

A MAN is convinced he is developing new muscles an implausibly short time after starting a feeble new fitness regime.

A FITNESS tracking band which counts steps and heartrate is actually a lying piece of shit, according to its owner. 

A WOMAN who gave up sugar for health reasons thinks cheese is a good replacement because it is savoury.

A MIDDLE-AGED man has reluctantly decided he should ask his doctor to check whether he is still trendy.

A MAN who has put on a fair bit of weight over the years still sees himself as a slim, attractive 20-something, it has emerged.

HEALTH campaigners have stressed that a 'freakshake' is not Jacob Rees-Mogg juddering uncontrollably as hundreds of volts surge through his body.

'FREAKSHAKES' should be banned because of their sugar content and because they are ridiculous and undrinkable, experts have confirmed.

THE government has urged the public to learn the basics of DIY surgery ahead of the annual NHS winter crisis.

A DOCTOR'S receptionist takes every single patient who successfully manages to see a doctor as a painful personal defeat, she has admitted.

MAKING sweeping judgements about other people’s lives based entirely on their shopping is the key to personal happiness, it has been confirmed.