Health

IF our wine needs some water in it then we know where the water is, middle class drinkers have confirmed.

SPENDING a week in a tent is long enough for you to believe that it was actually a good idea in the first place.

THE NHS's non-emergency helpline is to be staffed by overly-inquistive old women.

MOST Britons consider drinking a lot of alcohol to be their greatest achievement.

COLOURFUL cigarette packets are more addictive than their contents, experts have warned.

ANYONE claiming to have whiplash will be denied telly and crisps for a week, as a test of their integrity.

BRITAIN'S mortuaries are full of people who are probably just really badly hurt, according to new research.

THE pisshead you met at the weekend was telling the truth when he claimed to be a top surgeon.

PATIENTS have asked doctors' receptionists if they can please stop looking at them like that.