Health

BRITAIN is on the brink of a ‘golden age’ where the majority of the population is fat.

DOCTORS have declared that any attempts to lose weight in 2014 are doomed.

THE government is only trying to keep you alive so you can continue working, it has emerged.

CONSUMERS have been warned about fashionable 'bad jumpers' which contain too many layers of irony.

CIGARETTES are a health boon, according to doctors.

FASHIONABLE meat meals like pulled pork, steaks and 'barbecue' do not confer manly qualities, it has emerged.

A & E DEPARTMENTS are to offer an 'express tier' of medieval-style leech treatment.

ANYONE catching a cold can sue the person who gave it to them, according to an EU ruling.

FIZZY drinks must be drab 'own brand' versions, under new plans to cut child obesity.

BRITONS have already eaten the massive amount of sweets they ostensibly bought for trick or treaters.