Health

PEOPLE with colds who claim to have the flu have been reminded that the two things are entirely f*cking different.

A WOMAN on a new diet has already seen her social engagements slimmed down dramatically.

A MAN has given his girlfriend a satisfactory massage completely by chance.

THE operator of Britain’s only privately-run NHS hospital has admitted that it is struggling to make enough money out of human misery.

DOCTORS advising against binge-watching high-quality US dramas have introduced a limit of 21 units a week, or 18 for women.

ACCIDENT and emergency waiting times have worsened because Britain is so full of cretins, experts have confirmed.

'TAKING a month off' is allowing moderate drinkers to experience a thrilling pretend struggle with alcohol, it has emerged.

THE average life expectancy has increased by six bitter, ignorant years since 1990, researchers have found.

PREGNANT women have been advised to forget boring hospitals and to go into labour in nightclubs, on trains and in safari parks instead.

PUBLIC health officials have advised the public to stop eating chicken while pecking the microphone and squawking intermittently.